Xaden, Sgaeyl, and Theophanie Walk Into a Bar…

Fantasy Authors’ War on Names We Can Actually Pronounce

Last weekend, I had the pleasure of finishing Onyx Storm, the third book in the Empyrean Series by Rebecca Yarros. For anyone who isn’t aware, the Empyrean Series is a spicy yet action-packed read about dragon riders. If that sounds even remotely up your alley, I highly recommend it. But reader be warned: book three finishes with so many loose ends I may need to visit a tailor. How are we supposed to wait until 2027 to find out what happens next?! Have mercy, Rebecca Yarros - I’m not sure if I’ll survive until then.

Cliff-hangers aside, there’s one thing we must discuss from Onyx Storm. I’m not entirely sure what constitutes a spoiler, but I’m about to say one word that’s specific to book three so if you haven’t read it and you plan to, probably best to stop now.

The word - technically a name - is Theophanie. Yes, you read that right. Theophanie. Even typing it into Google Docs gives me a pop-up error saying, ‘This word might be spelled wrong’. It’s like a goofy mashup of Theodora and Stephanie - two names which should really never be combined. Upon first encountering both the name and the character in Onyx Storm, I had such a visceral reaction that I had to put the book down and text an outside source (my sister) for moral support. It went something like this:

What is with the fucking names in these Romantasy books?!

Theophanie?!

Like a hideous mix of Theodora and Stephanie?

I hate it.

It's giving Renesmee from Twilight all over again, and we all know what a bonkers choice that was. Yes, Bella, curse your half-vampire child with a goofy name that she’ll have to spell out for people her whole life. And then add to that the fact that she’ll have adult Jacob following her around indefinitely because he imprinted on her – as a child! I’m not sure what Stephanie Meyer’s intent was there, but that whole situation was just unnecessary.

Twilight tangent aside, the whole Theophanie situation once again raises the question: Why do fantasy book characters have such absurd names?! Are names with unnatural consonant pairings or questionable pronunciation a prerequisite for these books? And yes, I’m thinking specifically about Xaden’s dragon Sgaeyl, which I still have no idea how to pronounce after three books and 1.5 years invested in this series. Is it like Gail with an S on the front? Is it scale? Unless this book gets adapted into a show I may never know.

Why can’t there be an Olivia in these books? Or maybe a John? Muhammad has been on the most popular baby name list for a while now, where’s he at?

I know in the grand scheme of these books, crazy names are probably the least absurd thing happening. The Empyrean series is focused around humans bonding dragons after all. But good lord authors can you cut us a break here? I just want to discuss plot holes with my gals without stumbling over hodgepodge names.